allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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