Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
