I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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