Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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