you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize
