How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Best friends brother. Beat that.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize