I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
