fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
