I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
