Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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