While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
