the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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