i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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