it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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