it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
