bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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