She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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