My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
