had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
40s are totally the cure
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
