Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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