dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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