you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
