Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
