the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
