Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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