The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
