I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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