I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
