Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
