If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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