Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
