Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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