Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Randomize
