you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
