drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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