don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
