he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
