The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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