Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
