all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
