my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
