Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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