Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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