dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
