It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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