I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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