I just made out with a guy for $7.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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