Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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