What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize