"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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