The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
