you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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