I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When are your genitals available?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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