saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
