Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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