Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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