So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
