R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
