In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
