I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
